How NU Can Beat USC
I only got about three hours of sleep last night. The conditions that caused the sleep deprivation are inconsequential. Their effect, however, is momentous. In this sleep-deprived, caffeine-fueled state of being, I had a vision for Saturday. I discovered how Nebraska can beat the vaunted USC Trojans. What once seemed completely implausible became evident. What was only theoretical is now a practical call for action. Read on to discover the secret to victory.
Contributing Factors
To understand what is truly the impetuous to victory, it is important to first examine other potential factors and weigh their affect. Here was my exact train of thought on the game factors:
Home Field - No doubt, NU playing at home is an advantage to the Big Red. 81,000 raging red loyalists certainly contribute to the cause, especially with a night game. But, it is not THE reason NU can win. USC has played big ball games in front of big crowds on the road before. Their quarterback is a seasoned player. So, home field helps, but isn't the catalyst to victory
Players - For the first time in a long time, I honestly feel like NU has enough playmakers on both sides of the ball to compete with any team in the country. That includes USC. Whether it is the combination of Nicks, Purify and Lucky on offense, or Suh, Octavien and Bowman on defense, NU fans have a reason to expect NU to make some plays Saturday night. So, why is this not the reason and only a contributing factor? Uh...because USC is loaded. Seriously, darn near every guy who starts for their defense could be an All-America or All-Conference candidate. And, while USC had to re-load at some skill positions, especially wide receiver, those guys are just sick athletes. So, players are just on part of the puzzle, not the glue that holds the puzzle together.
Special teams - Surely, NU can beat USC with special teams. Haven't the Huskers looked great in the "hidden third" this year? From Adi Kunalic's big leg on kickoffs, to Alex Henery's accuracy on close field goals, and even 'lil Cortney Grixby popping off a big return to ignite the offense, the Huskers special teams have contributed directly to their 2-0 start. Sadly, this is not the big reason for an NU reason, either. Great special teams play need to be the rule - not the exception - to stay with a team like USC. You can't lose the field position war and you can't make mistakes. Excellent is only "good enough" with such an opponent. So, special teams are important, but not what puts NU over the top.
How NU Can Win
Okay, here we go. Ready? Here is the only way NU can beat USC on Saturday - gremlins. There, I said it. I'm talking about mogwai, people - real, live, bad-ass gremlins. A full-force gremlin attack on USC's huddle is the only plausible way to put NU over the top in this game.
Nebraska playing well isn't enough for the Huskers to win. USC must make mistakes. But, wait a second, Pete Carroll's teams don't make many mistakes. They are a clutch at the end of close games. They are the most phenomenal team I've seen in 5 years at the turnover ratio. They don't give up the ball, and they absolutely love to take it from opponents. So, how do you get a team like that to make mistakes? Gremlins. Duh. It is just so simple. Gremlins are the answer. They make things go wrong. They butter you up looking all cute, and then - bam - feed them at the wrong time, and suddenly all heck breaks loose. Gremlins must infiltrate the USC huddle for NU to win Saturday night. Booty has to throw an interception. Other players need to blow assignments. They need a special teams breakdown. The list goes on and on.
A Call To Action
With the need for gremlins so obvious, I have a call to action for all NU fans attending the game Saturday night. Bring a gremlin with you. If you are flying in from out of town, pack a little mogwai in your carry on luggage. Farmers and homeowners, look at your machinery or appliances that don't seem to work, and grab the gremlin that is stopping it up. Once you are in the stadium, stop by and give your gremlin to Pete Carroll, and encourage him to put it to use.
That is how NU can beat USC on Saturday. You heard it here first. I'm going to go get some sleep.
9/13/2007
I’ve got a couple of gremlins here in my office jamming up a printer. Can I mail them to someone who will be at the game? I don’t have any gremlins on my servers, but I do have some daemons, will those work? (bad IT joke)
9/13/2007
I have reliable information that USC will be leaving Omaha around 3:30-4:00 on Saturday. Seems kind of late, but I trust the source. It would be awesome to put up a BIG RED Roadblock to make their bus trip long and boring!!!! They stay at the Marriott.
9/13/2007
Maybe you could give us some room numbers….I have a 6 week old that doesn’t sleep at night so put me in a room next to John David Booty and I’ll keep him up all night
9/13/2007
As Belichick says, ‘If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying…’ Sure, setting up an ‘undercover’ mini-videodisc recorder inside l’il Red’s belly button(ala M-I III) would be a good start, though a somewhat predictable move given last weekend’s non-Patriotic espionage attempt.
How about something more direct? A little seductive stroll by our cheersquad—male and female(it’s USC ya’ll)—creates a diversion on the Roman’s sideline whilst a home team ball boy slips some packs of Exlax in their Gatorade coolers. Straight out of the Trojan Horse Handbook.
I KNOW that would work!
Or how ‘bout that guy with the hot dog bazooka boinking a few errant dogs off SC skill players at key moments in their drives: ‘Oh, MY BAD!’ I don’t that would be reviewable under the current replay protocol.
Really, the sky’s the limit! Hmmm, sky, sky, what could we have falling from the sky? COW PARATROOPER SWAT TEAM, just like the commercial! ‘Welcome to Neee-bras-keeee, SC be-otch!’
9/13/2007
Ze:
I love the hot dog bazooka idea,. . . . brilliant!!! (and hilarious.)