Uncle Rico Named Nebraska Head Football Coach
14 comments so far
October 17, 2007 by
In a stunning and rapid turn of events, Nebraska has found its new football coach. Former football great Uncle Rico has agreed to step in and replace Bill Callahan. In a press conference, Rico pointed to his considerable football talent and outlined a bold plan for moving the Husker program forward. Here is a transcript of the press conference announcing his placement as head coach.
Question: How do you feel qualified to take over such an important and storied football program?
Uncle Rico: Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile.
Follow up: Are you serious?
Uncle Rico: I'm dead serious.
Question: Do you feel bitter about your former playing days?
Uncle Rico: How much you wanna bet I can throw a football over them mountains? Yeah... if Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.
Question: What do you think Nebraska can do to restore some of its pride and rekindle its glory following a tough 2007 season?
Uncle Rico: We need like some name tags with our picture on it, all laminated and what not. I mean, we gotta look legit man.
Question: How do you feel about those who think your methods may not get it done at NU.
Uncle Rico: It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.
Question: Do you think booster will respond to you and give the donations needed in the future?
Uncle Rico: I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playing patty cake with your friend Pedro, your Uncle Rico is makin' 120 bucks.
Follow up: That doesn't seem like much money when you consider NU's operating budget.
Uncle Rico: Well it looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Tina.
Question: Any other thoughts on your coaching style? What kind of offense will you run?
Uncle Rico: Ohhhh, man I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state.
Following the press conference, I caught up with offensive lineman Matt Slauson. He did not endorse Rico as coach. In fact, he seemed very upset.
"It's too bad, we don't want him here", Slauson said. "Because he's been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak!"
There is no word yet on whether Kip as accepted the role of Defensive Coordinator for the Huskers.
From time to time, the Big Red Network will publish “Onion”-style satire. We apologize in advance to anyone we may offend, it's all meant as harmless fun. We can assure you, the reader, that no animals were harmed in assembling this piece.
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Dwayne Oct 17 07
We probably could beat the Ligers with Uncle Rico calling the plays.
Scott Oct 17 07
You know Kip is in so he can make some "sweet moulah" with Uncle Rico.
Josh Oct 18 07
No way man... kip would be in the press box chatting online with babes all day long.
Husker Mike Oct 18 07
Uncle Rico seems to have more ideas on what to do than Bill Callahan seemed at his post-game press conference last Saturday... Oy!
Dr. Al Oct 18 07
Flippin' sweet interview. Uncle Rico would know how to recruit players with skills -- you know, nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills,computer hacking skills.
cvldfg Oct 18 07
First of all, I like the Uncle Rico interview. I really like this web-site. I'm glad I met one of the creators at the WF game. I didn't know where else to go to say this, but I wish they would just hire Bo Pellini and get it over with. This is why: 1) He is by far the best DC in the country, 2) If the offenses keep getting more junk-like, ie. Missouri, App. St., we need to have a superior DC. I never liked the hiring of BC, but I will say that I didn't mind the scheme change to a WCO, maybe just not so much. 3) You have to realize this, you only get 20hrs/week, it is too much. I've heard from people that the playbook is just massive for this level. Simplify it! 4) Bring back the tradition of Big Red FB with the people that made it tradition. 5) Bring in an OC that can mix it up running and passing, but don't forget, we enjoy option style football. Sorry if this is the wrong spot for this, but I enjoy the web-site and it's very Nowlegdeable staff. Thanks.......
darren Oct 18 07
All - thanks for the great Napoleon chatter. Cracks me up every time.
cvldfg - Thanks for the props. Glad to have you on board BRN. About Pelini, I don't think you are alone in that feeling, to say the least. And, it is hard to argue with his results.
And you are spot on about offenses getting more elaborate, for better and for worse.
The catch with Bo is that there is an unwritten rule with football coaches...never go back. So, if NU can convince him to return, I would be pretty startled.
AggieCoach.com Oct 18 07
Uncle Rico: If Cornland does come calling, expect a call from Aggieland. You look midwest tough, like you can coach, that you understand how to recruit and could conduct yourself with the integrity demanded by A&M. In other words, you have everything Coach Dennis Franchione lacks.
ze Oct 18 07
Uncle Rico uses a home made Blue Tooth to chat with the coaches' booth, doesn't take their advise, though.
No laminated card for Rico to call the plays--just 'shoots from the hip'!
Scott Oct 18 07
Count Kip out....
You and I both know he's training to become a cagefighter.
Jeff Oct 18 07
LAME. Thought you guys ran a good website.....guess I was wrong!
Jason Oct 18 07
Sorry Jeff. I will issue your refund immediately.
Scott Oct 18 07
Thanks Jeff. Keep comin' back.
Jeff Oct 21 07
HAHAHAHAHA....ohhhh my side hurts. Wow Jason that must be some of that AWESOME Napoleon D humor.