Husker Forum - July

2 comments so far July 18, 2006 by Steve Hanway

From time to time, the Big Red Network will publish “Onion”-style satire. We apologize in advance to anyone we may offend, it's all meant as harmless fun. We can assure you, the reader, that no animals were harmed in assembling this piece.

Welcome to the Husker Forum where we get answers to your Husker questions:

Dear Husker Forum,

I am going to be a high school senior here in Nebraska and I am a die hard Husker fan since I can remember. I’m really torn because I’ve just been offered a full ride scholarship to play football at Kansas State. I was a little surprised by the offer since our team has lost every game over the last two years and I’ve never even started. But they said I could probably step in and start right away. I’ve told the Husker coaching staff that I’d walk-on if they’d have me, but they say that I’m just not “walk-on material”. I don’t want to join the enemy but how can I turn down an opportunity like this? The Kansas State coaches are putting a lot of pressure on me, they say if I don’t take the offer, they’ll give the scholarship to the guy behind me on the depth chart.

-Need to Decide

Dear Need to Decide,

I know you might expect Husker fans like us to tell you to hold out, play your guts out this year (if you ever get on the field) and see if you can’t just get another chance to walk-on at Nebraska. But I can’t do that in good faith. The fact is, college is expensive, plus it’s pretty clear the only chance you have to ever play in Memorial stadium is in a Wildcat uniform. If KSU wants you, there’s a good chance that no other program will. Take the scholarship and study hard (it’s not like you’ve got an NFL payday ahead of you). Good luck.

Dear Husker Forum,

I turned sixty this past year and decided it’s finally time I learned a thing or two about computers and get online. Anyhow, I now frequent Husker chat rooms (sometimes during games) but I was having trouble making sense of all of the shorthand acronyms people use. For example, I understand that LOL is “laughing out loud”, but here are some others that came up during the Missouri game that I was hoping you could help me with: FTLOGWSTBS, ICBWLTFM, TSTEBCATTVS

-Still Learning

Dear Still Learning,

FTLOGWSTBS = For The Love Of God Will Someone Tackle Brad Smith

ICBTLTFM = I Can’t Believe They’re Losing To Friggin’ Missouri

TSTEBCATTVS = This Sucks, Throwing Empty Beer Cans At The TV Screen

Dear Husker Forum,

This is not a football question but I’m sure you’re like clones of the comic book guy from the Simpsons, so I thought I’d ask: Which movie did you find more disappointing X-Men 3 or Superman Returns?

-Movie Fan

Dear Movie Fan,

Your question is not only insulting but couldn’t be more off base. In fact, it is the WORST QUESTION EVER. How should I know which film was better, I didn’t even see……who am I kidding?

While X-men lacked character development and took some turns that didn’t seem at all consistent with what we know about the X-men, Superman Returns showed a complete lack of understanding of who Superman is and what the character is about, not to mention horrible inconsistencies (e.g. he struggles to stop an airplane but lifts a continent with Kryptonite stuck in him). Superman Returns was clearly the bigger disappointment.

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2 comments so far

Husker Dave Oct 07 07

THis is my first post to this site only because I am hoping that someone in Big Red Land (NE) will read it and pass it on to a local newspaper.

Bill Callahan and Cosgrove better need to get on the first train, plane or whatever method of transport that will suit them out of Lincoln. Nebraska football is dead. No matter what coast offense or defense that is used, we are not on the same page. We could very easily go 0 and out the rest of the season. There is no leadership and there is no vision for this football team. It is very clear to everyone who watches the players are not buying in or worse after 5 seasons, do not understand the goal. That is leadership and that falls on Callahan and Cosgrove just like in any business. Clearly Perterson has his head in the sand and if any real booster has endorsed what is going on in NU land, they too have sand in their ears, eyes and has completely filled their brains. The sports program at NU is in serious trouble due to the efforts of Peterson and his cronies. We are never going to get back to domination we once had with the philosphy that is rampant in Lincoln today. Callahan could be here 20 more years and the results will be the same every year. Until the boosters stop paying and the seats are empty every Saturday at Memorial Stadium, will anything ever change.

bertevire Jan 24 08

2008 Schedule		NU
» Get Season Tickets
AUG 30	Western Michigan
SEP 6	San Jose St
SEP 13	New Mexico St
SEP 27	Virginia Tech
OCT 4	Missouri
OCT 11	@ Texas Tech
OCT 18	@ Iowa State
OCT 25	Baylor
NOV 1	@ Oklahoma
NOV 8	Kansas
NOV 15	@ Kansas State
NOV 28	Colorado	2:30
» 2006-2010 Schedules & Results

Husker Forum - July

Related Stories: Satire

2 comments so far

Husker Dave Oct 07 07

bertevire Jan 24 08

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