Tom Osborne to Run for President
From time to time, the Big Red Network will publish “Onion”-style satire. We apologize in advance to anyone we may offend, it's all meant as harmless fun. We can assure you, the reader, that no animals were harmed in assembling this piece.
Tom Osborne announced today his intention to run for President of the United States when the next election is held in 2008. “I learned a lot from the race for governor and know that by focusing on the right things, I can get this country headed back in the right direction”. Most pundits and party members were surprised at the move, but Osborne’s campaign manager believes that declaring now gives him an advantage by declaring early, similar to Jimmy Carter in 1976. “And," quipped the manager, "it gives me a job for the next three years”.
“There’s no reason to believe he could win a presidential primary, let alone an election, this makes no sense,” suggested political analyst James Carville, “I suspect there may be other reasons for this move”.
Osborne’s son Mike shared some insight, “All these years Dad’s been busy with football or politics have been spent away from my Mom. Truthfully, I think he prefers it that way. Not that it’s all his fault, Mom built up a lot of resentment with him being gone all the time, now that he’s home more those resentments come out.”
Dr. Glen Jennings, family sciences professor at Texas Women’s University, said this is not that uncommon for a man his age. “Nancy is college educated and didn’t need Tom to support her financially. Wives in these circumstances expect more from their husbands than just a paycheck and when they don’t get it, it can lead to friction”.
“That’s putting it mildly,” suggested Mike Osborne, “when Dad’s home now, he almost needs to assume the fetal position to handle all the abuse Mom dishes out. Maybe some of it is deserved, but there’s only so much a man can take”.
The former coach dismissed such talk, saying he needed to focus on the issues that affect Americans, “I’ve got good support in Nebraska, but I need to get out and visit the other forty-nine states if we’re going to win this thing”.
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