Sam Koch Dreams of NFL, Birth Control

12 comments so far April 28, 2006 by Steve Hanway

From time to time, the Big Red Network will publish “Onion�-style satire. We apologize in advance to anyone we may offend, it's all meant as harmless fun. We can assure you, the reader, that no animals were harmed in assembling this piece.

Sam Koch has lived the dream of most boys who grow up in Nebraska, playing football as a Husker. Soon he’ll get to live another dream, playing in the NFL. “I still won’t believe it until I cash that first check as a pro� said Koch. “My wife and I will finally be able to buy some birth control�, the soon-to-be father of three added.

Former NU special teams coach Scott Downing had nothing but praise for the punter, “He’s everything you look for in a punter, he’s got the hang time, the distance, the control�. “He’s also one potent young man, sexually speaking�, Downing added.

“Admittedly, I could have been more careful in high school when we conceived our first child�, Koch confessed, “but once you’re paying to feed and clothe a young child, there’s just no money left for birth control and then things just kind of steamroll�. “I mean sure you can get condoms free from Planned Parenthood, but you still need gas money to get there�, he went on.

Bill Callahan expressed pride in the achievements of Koch, “Here’s a guy who walks on, works hard, earns a scholarship and even made the Big 12 Commissioner’s Academic Honor Roll.� “I just wish the NCAA would allow us to give the kid some flippin’ condoms�, the head coach added. “Money’s tight for these college kids. If it were up to me we’d give condoms to every player on the team after every practice� Callahan pointed out.

NCAA commissioner Myles Brand commented, “Handing out prophylactics would be a clear violation of the extra benefits rule. If the average student isn't getting free birth control, we can’t provide it to athletes under the current rules.� Later, in a moment of candor he shared, “Look, most of our best athletes are illegitimate. If we start helping out with family planning then pretty soon our talent pool starts to dry up. We’d be shooting ourselves in the foot.�

It’s not yet clear whether Koch will end up as a late round draft pick or free agent, but he’s confident he’ll get a chance somewhere. “Some things are just meant to be�, he paused, “That’s what we tell our kids anyway�.

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